The Beauty in Traffic School #Patience #Time

If anyone told you God doesn’t have a sense of humor, ha they probably neglected to tell you that neither do they because today, my God was hilarious.  He’s so gentle with me and knows just how to teach me a lesson and set me straight.  A kind answer really does turn away wrath (Proverbs 15:1).  I can’t get mad.

So lately I’ve been carpooling to work with my mother.  I love love love my mother, she’s my favorite, and truly the most loving woman I know – Proverbs 31 at it’s best!  She’s the only person on this earth that I truly believe might love me more…all of you others, I think I got you beat haha.  Even though she’s the best at a lot of things, my entire family knows that she’s got a record of being punctually challenged and it stresses the heck out of me more than anyone else in the family!  I’m laughing now. That’s my mother.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6

I can’t stand being late, or rushed.  Correction: I don’t like being late, or rushed.  I’ve seen myself stand it.  If we’re hanging out, I would prefer to meet you there because then I know I won’t be late, and If I am, It was my own fault.  I’m in control.  If you tell me when we’re leaving, I can tell you, but you need not worry when I’ll get up or start getting ready.  I’ll be ready at the time you said I needed to be.  I’m not one of those that need a false deadline or grace period. If you are driving (which means I trust you or am giving myself an opportunity to trust you smh), I hope you’re own time lol.  None of this applies if we’re going to a place I’m not thrilled about going to.  I’ll be ready on time, but I’d love to be late.*sigh* That’s me.

So yea, when carpooling with my mom our daily pattern usually is, leave late, get anxiety that I attempt to hide, miraculously arrive on time by the grace of God, and shoot a vent text to my bff on how it all happened agaaain. Smh…true story.  Today on the other hand, I didn’t carpool because my mom had to take care of something.  I left on time (forgot my cell phone and lunch!) and bam, hit horrible traffic and I was late.  Hahahaha!  What the heck?!  I was like, really Lord?!  At that moment I realized that I can’t control time (or people because of my issue with time really) and thinking that I could was a big fat joke.

“I’ve held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess. – Martin Luther

So in traffic school today (ha) I re-learned that God controls the hands of time…not you Nu!  Absolutely every being and every thing answers to Him and is because of Him.  It is only by His permission that anything is.  If He wants me to be late or on time, you better believe I will be and no one (my mom included) will interfere or affect that.  Now usually when the Lord corrects me and shows me something that I need to work on or change, I get hard on myself and honestly hurt at the thought of possibly disappointing Him.  I love Him…He is my life and my all.  He always has His ways of reminding me that He’s not disappointed though (so sweet) and that He’s just happy that I’ve allowed Him, my Potter to do work on His clay (me).  I’m willing.

“When perception and reality collide, we grow.” – Keylee Dawn Austin

He also reminded me that I’m created in his likeness.  And so, like my Father, I like things done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40).  Sometimes I laugh to myself about myself, but I’m trying to take notice and stop because I realized that I’ve been laughing at things that He finds absolutely beautiful.  When I do that, I feel a tug of disagreement in my spirit that non-verbally communicates nothing is funny.  I’m laughing at His work.

Every day I am going to change.  Every day I am going to be better than yesterday.  I don’t think about myself that often (and some might say not enough), but I’m grateful for that quality because when I think about others and the affect my actions or non-action has on them, I’m motivated to change.  I want be the best friend, daughter, sister, cousin, wife, and mom that I can possibly be.  So If I could stop laughing at myself for them, and stop being anxious about things beyond my control, for them, and one day make my Father smile and my spirit well, let’s do it.

You made my whole being;
       you formed me in my mother’s body. 
I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
       What you have done is wonderful.
       I know this very well.

Psalm 139: 13-14

I AM beautiful.  And if you didn’t know, so are you 🙂

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Next Chapter #Home #NewBeginnings

As I lay here in bed at my grandparents house I feel this great sense of peace and gratefulness.  I recall the Lord’s promise to me that no matter where I go, “I’ll always have a place”.  It’s true.  No matter where life takes me or how the Lord elevates me, I can always come home to a familiar place, or familiar people that truly know me and love me for me; my family. (The theme song to “Cheers” just started playing in my head).  My best friend would probably be making fun of how “old” I am right about now lol. Any way…

I remember watching one of Oprah’s episodes of next chapter featuring the fine Mr. Curtis/50 Cent (ha).  He was saying that whenever he comes home and visits his grandma, he’s just Curtis and only to the rest of the world is he this big shot.  He still rubs her feet and paints her toenails and everything.  He doesn’t drink out of any fancy cups or sleep in any fancy bed with 5,000 thread count sheets.  Nope, cuz he’s home.

When I first moved back West and was in funky adjust mode (remember?), my mom hugged me and said “This will always be your home”.  I get it, I love it, and I’m finally grateful for it and a bit embarrassed that I wasn’t before.  Home is safe.  A time to rest, restore, and just be.

I don’t know what’s next or where’s next ha, but I feel it coming in my spirit and so I’m just embracing this time at all of my places with my lifers – individuals that I have allowed and hence chosen to remain in my life forever.

Not once has my coming in or going out not been blessed. The Lord is faithful. He’s always granted me the necessary quality time and/or conversations with people before launching me to the next destination.  I’ve never ever left thinking “aww man…” or feeling like “If only I had the chance to…”.  Nope, His timing is perfect.

 

I’m crying because I’ve felt this before.  I’ve experienced this before.  I know what’s happening.  This will soon be a much cherished moment, again.  Glory be to God for having a plan.  And thank you wisdom for teaching me how to stick to it despite my fleshly desires.

What do ya know, I’ve had my own place all along.  I have learned that it is not until the moment of realization of whatever that needs to realized, that it actually exists.  Everything up until that point is just in the atmosphere.  Not until you grasp the dangling truth (because it is there) is it true for you.  And, when it is, no one can steal it.  I’m so grateful for God’s timing and faithfulness.

So, all that being said, it feels sooo good to be home and it always will everytime I return.  I can honestly say I’m ready for my next chapter.  Le’go!

[Enter title here] #Transition

This morning I actually did cry out of frustration. Ay yi yi…enough with the ups and downs already! This is weird. I promise I’m not pregnant.

I’m realizing that some topics are sensitive for me and so, off limits with me or very limited in discussion and that’s depending on the person — geesh. I’m annoying myself! I’m introverted remember, so I’m pretty much telling you all of the stuff that isn’t bursting out! Besides that “Hell No!” from last week of course, ha. But yea…

I’ve been slowly unpacking boxes (not all of them), and my mom makes a chipper comment followed by a smile, “Uh oh, the boxes are shrinking down!” I was instantly annoyed. I know she’s happy, but I don’t wanna hear that. I am in no way thrilled that the boxes are shrinking down lol. In fact, I would love it if I didn’t have to open any of them so that when I get the green light to exit this casa I’m ready to go lol. On a lighter note, Ladybug has arrived and has made me smile. Maybe it’s ’cause it’s like a big mobile souvenir of a life I was proud and working great at prior to interruption. My dad drove it and said it drove great and could probably make it just fine driving across country. My eyes lit up. Don’t test me Paw!! haha. Anyway…

Besides the adjustment with that. I’ve been upset about a few things. I’m appalled that some things just have not changed. Things that are long overdue yo! Not in the city (the city has actually changed a lot – it’s what cities do), but some of the people, not so much. The ones that have, it’s so beautiful and makes me feel good about moving somewhere else (like they’ll be okay), but the ones that haven’t make me wanna vomit. I’m tired of the same ‘ol same ‘ol issues and behaviors. It’s like while I was gone and growing and changing, homie what the heck were you doing over here?! Moving and shaking so you wouldn’t have to think about what it is you know you needed to do?! Just going through the motions?? Are you gonna be the same way next year?! I’m hoping they were growing and changing in ways I hadn’t yet noticed. I’m hoping. It sure doesn’t seem like it though.

It makes me think of when Jesus said…

He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me. – Matt. 10:40

Maybe that’s why the Lord moved me to the east coast…some of the people here on the west (not all of them) weren’t receiving me (or all of me) and so the Lord saw it fit to move me to a place where they would. Where I was both needed and received and in the process multi-tasked and did some miracles of a work in me as well; typical. I’m just thinking. Maybe some of those west coast peeps are ready now and I’m better prepared to reach them in a way I couldn’t before. I’m kind of an outsider now. I don’t really feel like I belong, and I’m seeing some things that I didn’t see before. Who knows, but I know my God is a God of second and fifth chances, He’ll sometimes do and allow anything to happen to win a soul…and one is worth much, and well, He loves me.

Hell No! #Respect #Boldness #Profanity

It’s nearly 4:45 p.m. (PST) and I’m waiting for my car to ship between the hours of 1-4 p.m. …ha! I know -__-

Any way…

I just popped in to tell you that I’m surprising myself lately.  I’m bolder, more assertive.  It’s like it was always in me but something about this move is making it finally rise to the surface.  I can dig it.  I can dig it, forever.  Let me give you an example…

The other day I asked to borrow my mom’s car…she let me and as I was heading out the door and saying “see ya later” to everyone, my dad jokingly asked, “Well, aren’t you gonna ask me if you can go somewhere?” I laughed and jokingly belted out a “Hell No!”.  Hahahaha…I’m laughing all over again as I re-tell the story.   It’s funny for a couple of reasons.  1) It was awkwardly uncalled for (I ended up telling a story afterwards in attempt to make it less awkward before heading out LOL..ay yi yi) and 2) Because if you know me, I’m not really one to curse and so when I do it’s usually hilarious or shocking…I’d have to categorize this as weird.

The thing is, I know, and someone else in the room could have very well recognized that that statement came from somewhere deep within.  I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful (and they know me well enough to know that), but…it kinda was.  I don’t care how old I get, when my dad or any elder asks me something, I do not plan on responding “Hell No!” lol.  Nonetheless, I am indeed grateful for that moment.  It feels good to be me.  It feels good to say no, and well, “Hell No!” It weaseled in and set a tone like no other.  I am really feelin’ this gift of holy boldness and I’m certain that I’m gonna need this me for the path that I’m on. Give me a couple of months, and I’ll have it all balanced and under control.

Continue to lift me up!  Until then, I might just yell “Hell No!” to a checker asking me if I’d like paper or plastic simply because I can and don’t want either one.  Oh wait, they only ask that in Virginia :(..waaah!

Just kidding 🙂 (about the crying part)

 

#Wanted

Good morning lovas 🙂

You know what the beauty in yesterday and today is throughout this transition?  (Ha, I say throughout like I’m months in or something – It really did began before the actual move though).  Anyway, the beauty —  other than the fact that I’m making great progress  and truly feel the prayers of people lifting me up (thank you If you are one), I’m wanted. That is the great blessing that I’m choosing to recognize today.

I have to be me, so that If you don’t love me, I’ll agree.

Although I was in a funk about being here, everyone around me has welcomed me back into their lives with open arms and seriously could not wait until I returned.  Now, I do know my worth, but honestly, a part of me can not quite put my finger on why or what I’ve done exactly (other than being me) to make them love me so much, but I appreciate it, love them back, and had to stop and say thank you Lord that I am wanted.  What did I say or do before I left? Hmm.  I may not be wanted everywhere or by everyone I’d like to be wanted by, or even in the way that I desire to be wanted, but I am wanted here, and here is where I am called to be for such a time as this.  I had to repent ya know, although I have a right to feel what I feel…I was a  little snippy with God and who am I to question my creator?  He was like hold up, wait a minute little girl lol…feel how you feel but don’t.get.cra-zy! I got this just like I had that.  Did we forget already? ha.

This transition could definitely be worse. It’s for my good.

I heard and was reminded last night that there’s no way that we can have a genuine appreciation for a good day without having some bad ones.  I’m sure it seems like I never have a bad day.  Key word: seems.  But I most certainly do, I’m just generally optimistic and usually the person in my relationships who listens and encourages people through their bad days which somehow in the midst works in my favor and ends up encouraging myself.  I also have the most amazing bff who is absolutely excellent at reading me – such a beautifully honest friend, prayer partner, checker (she calls it how she sees it); She is the epitome of iron that sharpens iron.  She’s got plenty of years under her belt though so I really can’t compare anyone to her Gold Member status (ha).  I keep telling her she needs to write a manual for my husband-to-be, fa real! That would probably be the best wedding gift ever. Well, If he reads it lol.

The good in today, this present time, was that there was bad in yesterday, a past time, that led me to gratitude.  The good in today, and hopefully tomorrow, a future time, is that I’m loved and I’m wanted.  So, like many days I pray, Lord, If I don’t get anything else accomplished today, help me to love and still, I will have accomplished much.

#Boundaries #Liberation

Lately I’ve been annoyed. I’ve been annoyed because people (mostly loved ones) have been so dang nosy and just all up in my business! People wanting to know Who?… What?…When?…Where?…Why?…How? about this, that, and the other…ay yi yi Whyyyyy?! Ugh! No more. Now truthfully, it’s partly my own frickin’ fault for communicating over time with certain people about certain things in the first place. A little bit of this or that out of excitement, boredom, or various counts of random rambling, but I’m buckling down now…fa real. People don’t know or understand that certain topics or things are off limits if you’re not consistent and it’s not communicated. Show people how to treat you. This is an ongoing learning experience for me. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I’m a great teacher *toot toot*. Nonetheless, I can only teach that which I’ve successfully learned. I’ve learned a lot in this little lifetime, but I’ve still got a ways to go. Let’s Go!!

Maybe I’m just fed up and so just taking grown to another level, but sometimes that’s what it takes shoot. Some serious changes are about to be made and I’m reallly looking forward to the results. I’m ready. It’s about time! 

All frustration aside, when it comes down to it, I am greatly loved and in turn, greatly cared for. They all mean well, they really do. They give advice, suggestions, opinions, insight and “I hear them”, but, it’s simply not always necessary and I forgive them for the things that they don’t even realize they’re doing, and myself for granting permission to impose. My loved ones want to know that I’m okay and often fear that I may not be. I can’t submit unto their fears and live for them and God at the same time. I can’t and I won’t. I think this is part of the reason I’m going back West. Just part. The Lord’s a multi-tasker like no other ya know. I don’t have all the answers and when I do, I don’t need to share them unless of course I want to or feel led to. So that’s why the mold is breaking. That’s why the umbilical cord is being cut. This is Liberation. (cue the music haha)

You will know what I want you to know. The more I learn and know about me, the more I can teach you and I’m happy to do it.

My friend shared one day…

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than you. –  Dr. Seuss

I love it and I believe it. It’s time for the new Nu to get even more true y’all! It’s time to set some new boundaries and really give myself a chance at an even greater future. *sings* “Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Oooooh…I got a new attitude!” haha.

Wish me luck and def keep me in your prayers as I do what I do in the most loving way possible. Love you & have a great weekend!

> In the Middle < #Relationships

Have you ever been seemingly stuck in the middle of something? Something that probably doesn’t even have to do with you? Something which possibly affects you, but your name is not on but somebody (consciously or unconsciously) pencils you in as a volunteer? Yea, believe me, it can whomp.

Once upon a time, in elementary school, I was a conflict manager on the playground. I must have been in like 5th grade. I had a fancy vest, clipboard and all. Got a conflict? I was your gal! Resolving petty issues which seemed large at the time. When the bell rang and everyone had to freeze, who didn’t? That’s right, me! Why? cuz I was the Conflict Manager lol. So funny…I walked just because I could. While I wouldn’t call myself a conflict manager today, I would say that I definitely still possess those qualities that would make me a good one and are beneficial to my relationships.

“As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” – Proverbs 27:17

True, but never should us partaking in sharpening iron and the countenance of our friends be detrimental to ourselves and jack up our own countenance. I doubt that was God’s intention. It shouldn’t be an inappropriate exchange when our motives are right. I think He’d desire for both of our countenances to be dazzling (lol, dazzling). That’s just my thought.

The enemy is constantly trying to pervert the word of God and all ways of doing right. So many times we’re unconsciously erred in our ways for various of reasons. This is why I love the beginning of Hosea 4:6 (My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge). We hurt ourselves and each other simply because we do not know, or share for that matter. We’re not called to be hoarders.

Back in the day I had an acquaintance who’d call and vent – that’s fine, us friends need to do that sometimes (I know I do!). But in all actuality, that was the only time we’d talk, and she’d dump a load of problems (unintentionally). I’d receive it and feel like crap (unintentionally) and she’d feel great and skip on her merry little way. Do you see where I was inappropriate? The bible says, “You shall have no other gods before Me. -Exodus 20:3

He’s God, I am not. It is never our position to fulfill His role and “get in the way”. I had to learn how to give her problems to Him and show her as I showed myself that He’s the source and I can’t save the day. I begin praying for myself and asking God what he wants me to hear and say in this conversation. Asking him to prepare me before the conversation, and truly surrendering it all. If the Lord wants me to be an awesome iron, by golly I’m gonna seek Him and ask Him to show me how to be the best darn iron that I can be…and I encourage you to do the same.

Have a wonderful weekend lovers – remember our Savior!