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Grief + Healing

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My dear aunt passed away a few months ago. I did not attend her funeral, but the Lord knows, as does she, I was present when it mattered.

Since then, I’ve been grieving. More importantly, I’ve been honest with God about my grief and have trusted Him with it’s appropriation. I’ve had days of super strength, days of stoic numbness, a few sudden with tears, and some with spurts of laughter. Today was laughter and tears. All days, gratefully, I’ve had peace.

Just this morning I met a lady that looked like my aunt did in her younger years. Man, it was so good to see her. She was listening to an audio book (something my aunt would be doing) and she had a lot of bags, and a lot of things in those bags (something like my aunt) lol. I chuckled to myself, teared up, and thanked God for the spurt of laughter. This is grief…coupled with healing.

I think it’s so important for us to not just stay stuck with our grief, but to also marry it with healing found purely in God, The Father. We can move past it properly this way. Do you know that it’s okay to move past it? Have you granted yourself permission?

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven…a time to cry and a time to dance. – Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Now if it’s your season to cry buckets, I get it. By all means cry on without remorse! But if you know deep down in your heart, that you should have been dancing a long time ago, this is your opportunity to cast your care for real, for real…or again any way. Guilt is NOT from God. Never feel guilty for God’s favor. Feel GRATEFUL!

1 Peter 5:7 says: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares for you.” Do you believe that?! So that means, yes, even though He allowed your loss to occur, God cares for YOU!! Is scripture going to be your foundation or are you going to believe a lie? The choice is yours.

Let’s not just carry this weight of grief. Let’s feel it in all of it’s gory, sometimes seemingly unreasonable pain and injustice. Ugh. Let’s release it unto God and release each other to process it in ways unique to ourselves.

Let’s give the devil a black eye and an eviction notice, telling him HE CAN’T RUIN OUR LIVES by causing us to tighten our grip in seasons we should be loosening it.

Let’s also pray for appropriation in our grief, so that it is not displaced; turning into bitterness, addiction, and who knows what else. Let’s not let it begin squatting on our hearts; extending past it’s seasonal expiration.

God wants you joyous! That’s one of the fruits of His spirit! And I would personally hate to see you skip past your happy season, because you’re holding on too long to the sad one. You know what I mean? I know you do.

Well, that’s all I really wanted to say. I don’t have a fancy punny ending or anything like that for this post. Oh! I did see an Instagram post by another person who was grieving. They suggested writing a letter to a loved one and releasing it in a balloon. I thought that was a pretty neat idea, and I think that will help me in my process. God-willing, we’ll do it, as writing was something special my aunt and I shared together. A letter seems swell.

In the meantime, pray for me while I pray for you. Enjoy this short clip of my aunt (Author and Speaker, Andrea Grayson) sharing her testimony at a Women’s Conference in San Diego a couple of years ago. Love her and you so much.

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I want to leave this world empty. #legacy

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Let it be known
That I gave it all I’ve got
And that I kept on walking
Long after I got shot.

They tried to kill me
But He healed me
And now I can surely say
There’s no doubt in my mind
That God isn’t The Way.

He’s not a man that He should lie
So there’s no good excuse
Not to serve Him ’til we die
Not put our gifts to use.

I want to leave this world empty
On time and On “E”
I want to leave this world empty
And full of all of me.

He paid a pretty hefty cost
For our sinful, wretched mess
Then He rose; sent Help
And proceeded to call us blessed.

I thought I lost some here and there
But He said, “Nah, they quit the race.”
He said I chose to keep on running
And they chose to save face.

I want to leave this world empty
Having done all I loved to do
Love God, Love People
Love Me, Love You.

I want to leave flecks of gold
That shimmer within smiles
I want to leave hope, lots of hope
That lasts a great while.

I decided long ago that…
I wanted to leave this world empty
On time and on “E”
So that all would know, truly
That I was naturally me.

So when that day comes…
Let it be known
I didn’t leave early
Let it be known
I hate being late
Let it be known
I’ve waited long enough
For that Oh, so precious date.

© 2016 • Chan’tel Nikole Grayson

 

God, Man, and Woman #Feminist #Leadership #Power #Authority #GenderRoles

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I recently finished up one of Ron Carpenter’s teaching series titled, “What Makes A Man”, and found it to What Makes A Manbe wonderfully insightful.  Initially the title brought some doubt about whether or not it was for me (a woman), but after hearing his introduction, I was convinced that he would share something that my heart was ready to receive.  By learning “what makes a man”, it became clear to me, that which does not make a woman, and therefore, what a woman should not seek to make herself into.  God has already done a great job.  You, woman, are beautifully made and there is no flaw in you!  (Song of Songs 4:7)  My heart was stirred, and any competition within it was getting squashed in my prayer closet!  Yaaaay!  This night…I was hearing, I was receiving, and I was getting. my. life!  God is truly for us.

“For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”
~ Habakkuk 2:3 (NIV) ~

My attention was drawn to the somewhat controversial topic of a woman’s role.  I want to flashback to Genesis and recall a story about us and for us.  My goal is to stir your heart and make you think about God’s word in relativity to the way we live (mind, body and spirit).  I’ve included many scripture references for you to do your own study (and I hope you do!).  I encourage you to test the spirit delivering this message (1 John 4:1)!  And If the truth stings, let it sting!  It is a small cost for liberty.

Men vs Women

Briefly about Adam…
Back in Eden, good ol’ Adam was placed there before Eve.  With his God-given glory and dominion, he reigned slightly lower than the angels (Psalm 8:5; Hebrews 2:7).  Adam was a man with great responsibilities, and therefore many requirements (Luke 12:48).  He named animals and tended an entire “garden” stretching across the Middle East!  It pleased God to watch Adam do his thang.  He came from God, “looked” like God, and walked with God; like Father, like son.  Gon’ Adam with yo bad self!

Briefly about Eve…
Without coincidence (on purpose, for a purpose), Behold! God had created the lovely Eve from Adam, for the purpose of help and companionship.  The woman’s role then and now is to simply help the man with what he needs.  Side note: This is why it is extremely important for a woman to choose a man who is Christ-centered and truly walking with God.  A wise woman once told me that the real ones are not trying to convince you, they are doing it.

“And it was not Adam who was deceived by Satan. The woman was deceived, and sin was the result.”
~ 1 Timothy 2:14 (NLT) ~

Eve’s deception led her to believe that she was missing something.  She sought after this forbidden knowledge and power that seemed harmless and good for her.  She sinned, she tainted her legacy, and she placed her family in a position of struggle for life.  We are descendants of her, and God has a word…

“To the woman he said, ‘…Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'” ~ Genesis 3:16 ~

God spoke, and the fight of woman for the position of man began.  Now singles, you may think the above scripture is only true for married women, but not so!  You, my single sister, are married to the best of the best, God himself! Your devotion and submission is to the Lord, holy in both body and in spirit! (1 Corinthians 7:34).

We Can Do ItI believe many feminist, “shero”, and anti-male movements are examples of Genesis 3:16; women attempting to change an order that was divinely set in place.  Now I’m not knocking women’s rights; I am for me, and I know that my greatest and highest thoughts of myself cannot compare to God’s thoughts of me (Psalm 139:17).  The concept that God exceeds us in every way must be grasped (Isaiah 55:8-9).  It is extremely important for us to seek God to learn what is right before we cause a mess.  Why cause a mess when you can enjoy rest in His will?  Instead of fighting God and man, we as women need to arise and kill our flesh that attempts to control man and obtain something that does not belong to us.  That my friends, is liberation!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
~ Psalm 51:10 (KJV) ~

If us ladies are honest with ourselves and receptive to the word of God,  then we agree that there are a whole lot of us Evelets running around at fault; both single and married.  It is time to realign.  Awake!  Stop listening to the outside world and getting bound and entangled (See Galatians 5:1).  You can do this!

“Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings.”
~ Psalm 17:8 (KJV) ~

The truth of the matter is, whether or not the bible says  go”this way”, we all have the free will to go “that way”, and when we This Way That Waydo, although we become separated by sin, we will never ever ever be separated by the love of our Heavenly Father (See Romans 8:31-39).  I’m not okay with that, though.  I am in no way okay with a one-sided relationship on account of me.  Relationships that only take and do not give are not rooted in love.  Love keeps the commands of The Most High God, and God has spoken (John 14:15).  Protest THAT!

Eve lost horribly and I refuse to lose like that. I may lose, but it will be God’s way, with a humble heart of surrender.  It is time for us as women to position ourselves for the restoration of our proper place of worship in God’s kingdom as He purposed it.  God uses those who are willing to be used.  I believe God’s will looks different for all of us, especially since fewer men are unwillingly rising to their positions, but seeking and discerning His will is key.  We may survive outside of God’s will, but only inside can we thrive. 

“And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”
~ Acts 4:12 (ESV) ~

I Surrender All

“If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”
~ Luke 9:24 (NLT) ~

The Beauty in Traffic School #Patience #Time

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If anyone told you God doesn’t have a sense of humor, ha they probably neglected to tell you that neither do they because today, my God was hilarious.  He’s so gentle with me and knows just how to teach me a lesson and set me straight.  A kind answer really does turn away wrath (Proverbs 15:1).  I can’t get mad.

So lately I’ve been carpooling to work with my mother.  I love love love my mother, she’s my favorite, and truly the most loving woman I know – Proverbs 31 at it’s best!  She’s the only person on this earth that I truly believe might love me more…all of you others, I think I got you beat haha.  Even though she’s the best at a lot of things, my entire family knows that she’s got a record of being punctually challenged and it stresses the heck out of me more than anyone else in the family!  I’m laughing now. That’s my mother.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6

I can’t stand being late, or rushed.  Correction: I don’t like being late, or rushed.  I’ve seen myself stand it.  If we’re hanging out, I would prefer to meet you there because then I know I won’t be late, and If I am, It was my own fault.  I’m in control.  If you tell me when we’re leaving, I can tell you, but you need not worry when I’ll get up or start getting ready.  I’ll be ready at the time you said I needed to be.  I’m not one of those that need a false deadline or grace period. If you are driving (which means I trust you or am giving myself an opportunity to trust you smh), I hope you’re own time lol.  None of this applies if we’re going to a place I’m not thrilled about going to.  I’ll be ready on time, but I’d love to be late.*sigh* That’s me.

So yea, when carpooling with my mom our daily pattern usually is, leave late, get anxiety that I attempt to hide, miraculously arrive on time by the grace of God, and shoot a vent text to my bff on how it all happened agaaain. Smh…true story.  Today on the other hand, I didn’t carpool because my mom had to take care of something.  I left on time (forgot my cell phone and lunch!) and bam, hit horrible traffic and I was late.  Hahahaha!  What the heck?!  I was like, really Lord?!  At that moment I realized that I can’t control time (or people because of my issue with time really) and thinking that I could was a big fat joke.

“I’ve held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess. – Martin Luther

So in traffic school today (ha) I re-learned that God controls the hands of time…not you Nu!  Absolutely every being and every thing answers to Him and is because of Him.  It is only by His permission that anything is.  If He wants me to be late or on time, you better believe I will be and no one (my mom included) will interfere or affect that.  Now usually when the Lord corrects me and shows me something that I need to work on or change, I get hard on myself and honestly hurt at the thought of possibly disappointing Him.  I love Him…He is my life and my all.  He always has His ways of reminding me that He’s not disappointed though (so sweet) and that He’s just happy that I’ve allowed Him, my Potter to do work on His clay (me).  I’m willing.

“When perception and reality collide, we grow.” – Keylee Dawn Austin

He also reminded me that I’m created in his likeness.  And so, like my Father, I like things done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40).  Sometimes I laugh to myself about myself, but I’m trying to take notice and stop because I realized that I’ve been laughing at things that He finds absolutely beautiful.  When I do that, I feel a tug of disagreement in my spirit that non-verbally communicates nothing is funny.  I’m laughing at His work.

Every day I am going to change.  Every day I am going to be better than yesterday.  I don’t think about myself that often (and some might say not enough), but I’m grateful for that quality because when I think about others and the affect my actions or non-action has on them, I’m motivated to change.  I want be the best friend, daughter, sister, cousin, wife, and mom that I can possibly be.  So If I could stop laughing at myself for them, and stop being anxious about things beyond my control, for them, and one day make my Father smile and my spirit well, let’s do it.

You made my whole being;
       you formed me in my mother’s body. 
I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
       What you have done is wonderful.
       I know this very well.

Psalm 139: 13-14

I AM beautiful.  And if you didn’t know, so are you 🙂

[Enter title here] #Transition

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This morning I actually did cry out of frustration. Ay yi yi…enough with the ups and downs already! This is weird. I promise I’m not pregnant.

I’m realizing that some topics are sensitive for me and so, off limits with me or very limited in discussion and that’s depending on the person — geesh. I’m annoying myself! I’m introverted remember, so I’m pretty much telling you all of the stuff that isn’t bursting out! Besides that “Hell No!” from last week of course, ha. But yea…

I’ve been slowly unpacking boxes (not all of them), and my mom makes a chipper comment followed by a smile, “Uh oh, the boxes are shrinking down!” I was instantly annoyed. I know she’s happy, but I don’t wanna hear that. I am in no way thrilled that the boxes are shrinking down lol. In fact, I would love it if I didn’t have to open any of them so that when I get the green light to exit this casa I’m ready to go lol. On a lighter note, Ladybug has arrived and has made me smile. Maybe it’s ’cause it’s like a big mobile souvenir of a life I was proud and working great at prior to interruption. My dad drove it and said it drove great and could probably make it just fine driving across country. My eyes lit up. Don’t test me Paw!! haha. Anyway…

Besides the adjustment with that. I’ve been upset about a few things. I’m appalled that some things just have not changed. Things that are long overdue yo! Not in the city (the city has actually changed a lot – it’s what cities do), but some of the people, not so much. The ones that have, it’s so beautiful and makes me feel good about moving somewhere else (like they’ll be okay), but the ones that haven’t make me wanna vomit. I’m tired of the same ‘ol same ‘ol issues and behaviors. It’s like while I was gone and growing and changing, homie what the heck were you doing over here?! Moving and shaking so you wouldn’t have to think about what it is you know you needed to do?! Just going through the motions?? Are you gonna be the same way next year?! I’m hoping they were growing and changing in ways I hadn’t yet noticed. I’m hoping. It sure doesn’t seem like it though.

It makes me think of when Jesus said…

He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me. – Matt. 10:40

Maybe that’s why the Lord moved me to the east coast…some of the people here on the west (not all of them) weren’t receiving me (or all of me) and so the Lord saw it fit to move me to a place where they would. Where I was both needed and received and in the process multi-tasked and did some miracles of a work in me as well; typical. I’m just thinking. Maybe some of those west coast peeps are ready now and I’m better prepared to reach them in a way I couldn’t before. I’m kind of an outsider now. I don’t really feel like I belong, and I’m seeing some things that I didn’t see before. Who knows, but I know my God is a God of second and fifth chances, He’ll sometimes do and allow anything to happen to win a soul…and one is worth much, and well, He loves me.

Hell No! #Respect #Boldness #Profanity

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It’s nearly 4:45 p.m. (PST) and I’m waiting for my car to ship between the hours of 1-4 p.m. …ha! I know -__-

Any way…

I just popped in to tell you that I’m surprising myself lately.  I’m bolder, more assertive.  It’s like it was always in me but something about this move is making it finally rise to the surface.  I can dig it.  I can dig it, forever.  Let me give you an example…

The other day I asked to borrow my mom’s car…she let me and as I was heading out the door and saying “see ya later” to everyone, my dad jokingly asked, “Well, aren’t you gonna ask me if you can go somewhere?” I laughed and jokingly belted out a “Hell No!”.  Hahahaha…I’m laughing all over again as I re-tell the story.   It’s funny for a couple of reasons.  1) It was awkwardly uncalled for (I ended up telling a story afterwards in attempt to make it less awkward before heading out LOL..ay yi yi) and 2) Because if you know me, I’m not really one to curse and so when I do it’s usually hilarious or shocking…I’d have to categorize this as weird.

The thing is, I know, and someone else in the room could have very well recognized that that statement came from somewhere deep within.  I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful (and they know me well enough to know that), but…it kinda was.  I don’t care how old I get, when my dad or any elder asks me something, I do not plan on responding “Hell No!” lol.  Nonetheless, I am indeed grateful for that moment.  It feels good to be me.  It feels good to say no, and well, “Hell No!” It weaseled in and set a tone like no other.  I am really feelin’ this gift of holy boldness and I’m certain that I’m gonna need this me for the path that I’m on. Give me a couple of months, and I’ll have it all balanced and under control.

Continue to lift me up!  Until then, I might just yell “Hell No!” to a checker asking me if I’d like paper or plastic simply because I can and don’t want either one.  Oh wait, they only ask that in Virginia :(..waaah!

Just kidding 🙂 (about the crying part)

 

gowiththe…FLOW #HolySpirit

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This week I have been making minor plans to do things…workout, wash my hair, cook, go to bed by…etc. and they have just not been happening. They’ve been interrupted, postponed, moved around, and well, that’s fine, and I’ve actually enjoyed the alternative. One thing I will be doing tomorrow tho is skyping with thedivinehostess! (check out her blog and try not to drool) *woot woot!*

But yes, I guess it’s like writing in the sand on the beach and having the tide gently wash some or all of your script away. There’s always a chance it can come out further than expected and you can’t really gauge it based on the past times. No sense in getting upset, it’s the ocean geesh…that’s what it does! After all, you’re in it’s territory and there’s plenty of room to write it again.

flow/flō/

Verb:
Move along or out steadily and continuously in a current or stream.

Noun:
The action or fact of moving along in a steady, continuous stream.

Going with the flow. Makes life much easier. Do it.

It really is like one of the best things you can do (along with a gajillion of other things, right?). And from a planner’s perspective: God’s will, God’s bill. It’s like, really Lord? Now? This is what you want me to do…right now? Alright. But then I trust that He’s gonna work a miracle out of that to-do list ha. That He has my best interest in mind and knows what He’s doing and why. When The God Head 3-n-1 (The Father, The Son, & The Holy Spirit) are in control (like fa real, fa real), and you’re going with “the flow”, then you don’t have to worry about the consequences of the “interruption”. It won’t distract you if God has purpose in it. In all honesty, refusing to roll with it at times can be considered an interruption in itself — that’s a distraction from His purpose for you at that particular time. For example…it’s past midnight and my butt is usually knocked out and on dream #2 that I won’t remember in the morning.

We gotta remember that once we give our lives to Christ, we.have.given.our.lives.to.Christ. We said I’m yours, you’re mine. We said my way doesn’t work, so I’ma go ahead and let you take it from here. No takebacks.

Father, help us go with the flow so that we may experience life that way you intended. Amen.