I’m Surprised By My Love For You #poetry #patriotism

I’m surprised by my love for you
I didn’t realize there was much still there

But in the light of such tragic events
I saw glimpses that you still care

Not in entirety, but you’re not all cold
and it’s so refreshing to see

How God resides in parts of you
and ignites the God in me

It was nice to find you beautiful
It was nice to find you great

I’m praying for you, America
May God’s will be done in every state

© 2017 • Chan’tel Nikole Grayson

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The Beauty in Traffic School #Patience #Time

If anyone told you God doesn’t have a sense of humor, ha they probably neglected to tell you that neither do they because today, my God was hilarious.  He’s so gentle with me and knows just how to teach me a lesson and set me straight.  A kind answer really does turn away wrath (Proverbs 15:1).  I can’t get mad.

So lately I’ve been carpooling to work with my mother.  I love love love my mother, she’s my favorite, and truly the most loving woman I know – Proverbs 31 at it’s best!  She’s the only person on this earth that I truly believe might love me more…all of you others, I think I got you beat haha.  Even though she’s the best at a lot of things, my entire family knows that she’s got a record of being punctually challenged and it stresses the heck out of me more than anyone else in the family!  I’m laughing now. That’s my mother.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6

I can’t stand being late, or rushed.  Correction: I don’t like being late, or rushed.  I’ve seen myself stand it.  If we’re hanging out, I would prefer to meet you there because then I know I won’t be late, and If I am, It was my own fault.  I’m in control.  If you tell me when we’re leaving, I can tell you, but you need not worry when I’ll get up or start getting ready.  I’ll be ready at the time you said I needed to be.  I’m not one of those that need a false deadline or grace period. If you are driving (which means I trust you or am giving myself an opportunity to trust you smh), I hope you’re own time lol.  None of this applies if we’re going to a place I’m not thrilled about going to.  I’ll be ready on time, but I’d love to be late.*sigh* That’s me.

So yea, when carpooling with my mom our daily pattern usually is, leave late, get anxiety that I attempt to hide, miraculously arrive on time by the grace of God, and shoot a vent text to my bff on how it all happened agaaain. Smh…true story.  Today on the other hand, I didn’t carpool because my mom had to take care of something.  I left on time (forgot my cell phone and lunch!) and bam, hit horrible traffic and I was late.  Hahahaha!  What the heck?!  I was like, really Lord?!  At that moment I realized that I can’t control time (or people because of my issue with time really) and thinking that I could was a big fat joke.

“I’ve held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess. – Martin Luther

So in traffic school today (ha) I re-learned that God controls the hands of time…not you Nu!  Absolutely every being and every thing answers to Him and is because of Him.  It is only by His permission that anything is.  If He wants me to be late or on time, you better believe I will be and no one (my mom included) will interfere or affect that.  Now usually when the Lord corrects me and shows me something that I need to work on or change, I get hard on myself and honestly hurt at the thought of possibly disappointing Him.  I love Him…He is my life and my all.  He always has His ways of reminding me that He’s not disappointed though (so sweet) and that He’s just happy that I’ve allowed Him, my Potter to do work on His clay (me).  I’m willing.

“When perception and reality collide, we grow.” – Keylee Dawn Austin

He also reminded me that I’m created in his likeness.  And so, like my Father, I like things done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40).  Sometimes I laugh to myself about myself, but I’m trying to take notice and stop because I realized that I’ve been laughing at things that He finds absolutely beautiful.  When I do that, I feel a tug of disagreement in my spirit that non-verbally communicates nothing is funny.  I’m laughing at His work.

Every day I am going to change.  Every day I am going to be better than yesterday.  I don’t think about myself that often (and some might say not enough), but I’m grateful for that quality because when I think about others and the affect my actions or non-action has on them, I’m motivated to change.  I want be the best friend, daughter, sister, cousin, wife, and mom that I can possibly be.  So If I could stop laughing at myself for them, and stop being anxious about things beyond my control, for them, and one day make my Father smile and my spirit well, let’s do it.

You made my whole being;
       you formed me in my mother’s body. 
I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
       What you have done is wonderful.
       I know this very well.

Psalm 139: 13-14

I AM beautiful.  And if you didn’t know, so are you 🙂

#Wanted

Good morning lovas 🙂

You know what the beauty in yesterday and today is throughout this transition?  (Ha, I say throughout like I’m months in or something – It really did began before the actual move though).  Anyway, the beauty —  other than the fact that I’m making great progress  and truly feel the prayers of people lifting me up (thank you If you are one), I’m wanted. That is the great blessing that I’m choosing to recognize today.

I have to be me, so that If you don’t love me, I’ll agree.

Although I was in a funk about being here, everyone around me has welcomed me back into their lives with open arms and seriously could not wait until I returned.  Now, I do know my worth, but honestly, a part of me can not quite put my finger on why or what I’ve done exactly (other than being me) to make them love me so much, but I appreciate it, love them back, and had to stop and say thank you Lord that I am wanted.  What did I say or do before I left? Hmm.  I may not be wanted everywhere or by everyone I’d like to be wanted by, or even in the way that I desire to be wanted, but I am wanted here, and here is where I am called to be for such a time as this.  I had to repent ya know, although I have a right to feel what I feel…I was a  little snippy with God and who am I to question my creator?  He was like hold up, wait a minute little girl lol…feel how you feel but don’t.get.cra-zy! I got this just like I had that.  Did we forget already? ha.

This transition could definitely be worse. It’s for my good.

I heard and was reminded last night that there’s no way that we can have a genuine appreciation for a good day without having some bad ones.  I’m sure it seems like I never have a bad day.  Key word: seems.  But I most certainly do, I’m just generally optimistic and usually the person in my relationships who listens and encourages people through their bad days which somehow in the midst works in my favor and ends up encouraging myself.  I also have the most amazing bff who is absolutely excellent at reading me – such a beautifully honest friend, prayer partner, checker (she calls it how she sees it); She is the epitome of iron that sharpens iron.  She’s got plenty of years under her belt though so I really can’t compare anyone to her Gold Member status (ha).  I keep telling her she needs to write a manual for my husband-to-be, fa real! That would probably be the best wedding gift ever. Well, If he reads it lol.

The good in today, this present time, was that there was bad in yesterday, a past time, that led me to gratitude.  The good in today, and hopefully tomorrow, a future time, is that I’m loved and I’m wanted.  So, like many days I pray, Lord, If I don’t get anything else accomplished today, help me to love and still, I will have accomplished much.