My greatest #commission.

“And he said to them, ‘Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.'” – Mark 16:15 (ESV)

Great-Seal-of-California-GoldI recently became a notary public for the State of California (Woot! Woot!).  In a nut shell, what we do is legally serve the public (without offering legal advice), but mostly by signing and stamping documents with an official seal that pretty much makes them legit with the state to be used in court, or life, or whatever.  That’s the “Nu” version.

Ever since I found out that a “commission” is what I was to receive from the Secretary of State before I could perform notarial duties, I was intrigued by the word.  I looked it up and laughed.  It was like an inside joke between God and I.

I liked these below:

com·mis·sion

kəˈmiSHən/

noun

  1.  an instruction, command, or duty given to a person or group of people.
  2. a group of people officially charged with a particular function.

verb

  1. give an order for or authorize the production of (something such as a building, piece of equipment, or work of art).
  2. bring (something newly produced, such as a factory or machine) into working condition.

goodnewsI realized that this commission to serve the public in the natural was yes, something ordained by the State of California, but my greatest commission and high calling to go out and proclaim the gospel and spread the love of Christ in this hurting and dying world is far more valuable. I am grateful for the God-given revelation in this parallel and for the opportunity to serve Him in serving you, His people.  That, my friends is our greatest commission and we can expect a great reward in Heaven.  I don’t take my birth lightly, nor more duty following.  I heard Dr. Tim Storey say once that, “You’re a big deal” and I agree.  God does so much, and allows us as individual believers to go through so much…for just one sometimes.  What an honor to serve you, to teach you…what an honor to love you and prepare you (and me) for the Kingdom!

16 For if I preach the gospel, that gives me no ground for boasting. For necessity is laid upon me. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! 17 For if I do this of my own will, I have a reward, but if not of my own will, I am still entrusted with a stewardship. 18 What then is my reward? That in my preaching I may present the gospel free of charge, so as not to make full use of my right in the gospel.

19 For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them.

CARPE DIEM. #Mothers #Daughters

What the heck?! I don’t know what just came over me.  I just went to say goodbye to mom before she departs for a short business trip and I felt my eyes well up.  I’m so sad.  I miss her already.  I have really gotten used to spending time with her.  This precious, invaluable time.  She’s only gone for a bit, but I guess I’m just thinking about the near future.  Geesh.

move-forwardI’ll never forget the vision that I had when living on the East Coast.  Without going into too much detail I will just say that in it, my mom needed me and the Lord gave me an option to stay or go.  As usual, I said yes to God’s proposal and easier said than done, I moved back.  Let me tell you, moving forward mentally is way harder than moving forward physically.  Especially when your physical move is literally back! Haha.  It’s like, really Lord?  I think so often we forget that we’re spiritual beings having natural experiences and that in actuality, none of the things that the world says are valuable mean much of anything to the Lord.  He delights in our obedience and lavishes in our love.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55:8-9 (KJV)

So many people want to do what makes sense when in reality a lot of our blessings in obedience require us to take leaps and do things that don’t make sense and possibly make us look a little crazy at times.  People want to be and do what they think is great.  Instead of loving their neighbors, they’re coveting after their neighbors.  People want to be or do what looks and sounds good.  Instead of respecting a person, they’re respecting a title.  But we need to forget about those worldly things that don’t matter start finally chasing, or re-chasing those eternal things of true substance.

If then you have been raised with Christ [to a new life, thus sharing His resurrection from the dead], aim at and seek the [rich, eternal treasures] that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth. – Colossians 3:1-2 (AMP)

be yourselfWe have to deepen our relationship with the Lord so that we can find our true identities through Him.  So that we’ll know who we are and in turn how to be.  So that when all in this world is stripped away, ha…not our identity.  I’m so sick of seeing a whole bunch of “turn up” copycats *rolls eyes*…have a seat already!

But yes, I was going to talk about my relationship with my mom…

Mother/Daughter relationships are so beautifully intricate.  So delicate like lace or something.  They go through ups and downs in milliseconds.  There’s battles between respect and assertion and assist and diversion.  So complex.  Figuratively speaking, I think the Lord definitely hand washes them cold and hangs them carefully to dry.

motherhood

Since my move back to the West Coast, I’ve really enjoyed the growth and transformation I’ve experienced in my relationship with my entire family, but my mother especially.  I believe every Mother/Daughter relationship suddenly hits this “Freaky Friday” growth point  where the daughter, now a mature, adult woman with her own life experiences, comes to this realization that her mom, who she for decades was thought of as this flawless, invincible superhero, is in actuality not *gasp*, in fact, she is just like her daughter who has become just like her mother, a mature, adult woman with her own life experiences.  This place of truth does something great (and rightfully so) and God does something greater as the relationship accepts and adapts to it accordingly.  We love and respect each other way more these days.  It’s so refreshing for me to see my superhero mom without her cape quoting Tamar Braxton saying things like, “You tried it!” and “Getcho life!” haha…oh goodness.  She’s truly my best friend.  I can’t wait to bless her with early retirement and a trip to Italy.

heartbeat

The other night I hugged her and rested on her chest for a good while; because I could.  When I did, I heard and felt her heartbeat, and it was like hearing an old, favorite song.  At that very moment a tear fell and I thanked God that my mom was alive and that I was too.  That we were here for this and the best is yet to come.  Now that, my friends is what I call Carpe diem.

#Jesus, #Tea, and #Me.

Hi lovas — Happy New Year!

It’s Friday night and I’m bundled up in my warm ugly snuggie looking thing. Just Jesus, tea, and me.  All I need, but more importantly, finally, all that I want.  There’s no place I’d rather be forever, than here in his love.  I’m head over heels.

I’m so content with where I am, who I am, and all that I stand for that creates this casserole of a me –to God be the glory! I like who I see in the mirror more each day.  I casually think back on old relationships that I could very well be in right now and I praise God for nights like this where I’m eternally grateful for what isn’t and what is.  I have no regrets and am at peace knowing that I’ve made decisions that were best for me.  Every decision you make is a destiny decision.

A little less than a year ago, I ended a pretty serious relationship with my most recent ex (I gratefully don’t have an array).  It  was sad and challenging at first, but a blessing to say the least.  The timing was divine and allowed for the protection of my heart and perspective on it all.  Had it been sooner or later, things would have been all jacked. My entry, “The Results Are In…” was a beautiful result of the end.

The enemy makes me sick perverting everything in sight.  But, what the enemy intends for harm, God faithfully turns around for good.  Geesh, Where would I be if not for the unmerited favor of God upon my life? I’ve learned so much about what I want and need in a relationship.  I’ve learned the bottom line.  What will absolutely work and what will absolutely not.  It saves me so much time and heartache.  I like to think of it all as God’s little evacuation plan.  All  it required was that I evacuate.  He took me to safety, showed me who I was, and re-defined my definition of “settle” and “standard”.  A definition not so much according to what I’ve been through, but according to the respectable woman I am.  I’m still learning.

keep calm have tea

Have you ever missed someone who was in the same room as you?  That’s how I was beginning to feel in my relationship with God as I got deeper in this relationship with this man of God.  I felt like God was so far, when truthfully He was just right over there in the corner watching me and missing me back.  It showed me that even being in opposite corners of a room is way too far for me.  I’m a Rae sheep and I can’t do far in the slightest; it’s agonizing.  I need to bump up against My Shepherd’s side when He walks.  I need to feel when He’s moving at all times.  I don’t want a jacket, I need His warmth.  It’s funny ’cause I’m a huge daddy’s girl on earth as well.  So big kudos to him for how great of a relationship I’ve been able to develop with my Heavenly Father because of his great example.  As a little girl, If he was grabbing his shoes, guess who had hers…yup, Nu Nu haha.  He had cereal, I waited patiently on his lap to drink his milk afterwards (yuck lol).  I was content in his presence.  Check out my post, “Fathers” for more on this — you can see the nostalgia even then.  I missed My Abba :(…

If God is love, then we should never be in love and missing God.  (1 John 4:8)

To each its own, and to each its walk, but If you’re a Christian, I want to ask you this…Why consciously choose to be half anything? Set a standard for yourself before you do for anyone else.  Stop talking about how you’re not gonna settle for anyone and start with not settling for you.  We have work to do and by God’s grace we can do it.  Choose this day whom you shall serve and serve well (Joshua 24:15).  For me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  Ha…the way this world is looking I just might be the only one in my house. Haha jk.  Seriously though, just grow.  Less talking and more doing.  Wanting what you need and all you need is a mature thing to want, and you have to kill your flesh to accomplish it.  Not easy it, but worth it.

Need > Want

Need > Want

“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear.” – Rosa Parks

Do I want to get married to a man who loves the Lord as much as I do and is truly ‘about that life’? Absolutely.  Do I want children to laugh, play with and make me sound like my mother? Of course.  Does it seem impossible? Yup lol (just being honest).  But I’m safe in God’s hands.  I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what I’m promised.  God is faithful.  It is my prayer that one day my man will find me on this narrow road that me and a few others travel and meet me in my Savior’s arms (Matt 7:13-14).  But until then, it’ll be just Jesus, tea, and me. Not too shabby, eh? 😉

 

Next Chapter #Home #NewBeginnings

As I lay here in bed at my grandparents house I feel this great sense of peace and gratefulness.  I recall the Lord’s promise to me that no matter where I go, “I’ll always have a place”.  It’s true.  No matter where life takes me or how the Lord elevates me, I can always come home to a familiar place, or familiar people that truly know me and love me for me; my family. (The theme song to “Cheers” just started playing in my head).  My best friend would probably be making fun of how “old” I am right about now lol. Any way…

I remember watching one of Oprah’s episodes of next chapter featuring the fine Mr. Curtis/50 Cent (ha).  He was saying that whenever he comes home and visits his grandma, he’s just Curtis and only to the rest of the world is he this big shot.  He still rubs her feet and paints her toenails and everything.  He doesn’t drink out of any fancy cups or sleep in any fancy bed with 5,000 thread count sheets.  Nope, cuz he’s home.

When I first moved back West and was in funky adjust mode (remember?), my mom hugged me and said “This will always be your home”.  I get it, I love it, and I’m finally grateful for it and a bit embarrassed that I wasn’t before.  Home is safe.  A time to rest, restore, and just be.

I don’t know what’s next or where’s next ha, but I feel it coming in my spirit and so I’m just embracing this time at all of my places with my lifers – individuals that I have allowed and hence chosen to remain in my life forever.

Not once has my coming in or going out not been blessed. The Lord is faithful. He’s always granted me the necessary quality time and/or conversations with people before launching me to the next destination.  I’ve never ever left thinking “aww man…” or feeling like “If only I had the chance to…”.  Nope, His timing is perfect.

 

I’m crying because I’ve felt this before.  I’ve experienced this before.  I know what’s happening.  This will soon be a much cherished moment, again.  Glory be to God for having a plan.  And thank you wisdom for teaching me how to stick to it despite my fleshly desires.

What do ya know, I’ve had my own place all along.  I have learned that it is not until the moment of realization of whatever that needs to realized, that it actually exists.  Everything up until that point is just in the atmosphere.  Not until you grasp the dangling truth (because it is there) is it true for you.  And, when it is, no one can steal it.  I’m so grateful for God’s timing and faithfulness.

So, all that being said, it feels sooo good to be home and it always will everytime I return.  I can honestly say I’m ready for my next chapter.  Le’go!

[Enter title here] #Transition

This morning I actually did cry out of frustration. Ay yi yi…enough with the ups and downs already! This is weird. I promise I’m not pregnant.

I’m realizing that some topics are sensitive for me and so, off limits with me or very limited in discussion and that’s depending on the person — geesh. I’m annoying myself! I’m introverted remember, so I’m pretty much telling you all of the stuff that isn’t bursting out! Besides that “Hell No!” from last week of course, ha. But yea…

I’ve been slowly unpacking boxes (not all of them), and my mom makes a chipper comment followed by a smile, “Uh oh, the boxes are shrinking down!” I was instantly annoyed. I know she’s happy, but I don’t wanna hear that. I am in no way thrilled that the boxes are shrinking down lol. In fact, I would love it if I didn’t have to open any of them so that when I get the green light to exit this casa I’m ready to go lol. On a lighter note, Ladybug has arrived and has made me smile. Maybe it’s ’cause it’s like a big mobile souvenir of a life I was proud and working great at prior to interruption. My dad drove it and said it drove great and could probably make it just fine driving across country. My eyes lit up. Don’t test me Paw!! haha. Anyway…

Besides the adjustment with that. I’ve been upset about a few things. I’m appalled that some things just have not changed. Things that are long overdue yo! Not in the city (the city has actually changed a lot – it’s what cities do), but some of the people, not so much. The ones that have, it’s so beautiful and makes me feel good about moving somewhere else (like they’ll be okay), but the ones that haven’t make me wanna vomit. I’m tired of the same ‘ol same ‘ol issues and behaviors. It’s like while I was gone and growing and changing, homie what the heck were you doing over here?! Moving and shaking so you wouldn’t have to think about what it is you know you needed to do?! Just going through the motions?? Are you gonna be the same way next year?! I’m hoping they were growing and changing in ways I hadn’t yet noticed. I’m hoping. It sure doesn’t seem like it though.

It makes me think of when Jesus said…

He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me. – Matt. 10:40

Maybe that’s why the Lord moved me to the east coast…some of the people here on the west (not all of them) weren’t receiving me (or all of me) and so the Lord saw it fit to move me to a place where they would. Where I was both needed and received and in the process multi-tasked and did some miracles of a work in me as well; typical. I’m just thinking. Maybe some of those west coast peeps are ready now and I’m better prepared to reach them in a way I couldn’t before. I’m kind of an outsider now. I don’t really feel like I belong, and I’m seeing some things that I didn’t see before. Who knows, but I know my God is a God of second and fifth chances, He’ll sometimes do and allow anything to happen to win a soul…and one is worth much, and well, He loves me.

Not Okay. #Transition

I’m not okay.

I’m on day 2 of my obedient move back to the west coast and I don’t want to be here. You’d think I’d be all cried out by now, but nope…not just yet 😥 Gosh. I’m struggling big time with this and I’m in need of some serious healing (and prayer please). I’m upset, heartbroken, and my will is bruised. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love all of my family and friends here. Everyone’s very happy to see me and have me back. It’s good to see them too. I just want to visit that’s all…I don’t want to stay. Arggh…why am I here?! I just want to be left alone. I feel miserable and I don’t want company (ha). Just being honest.

This is not okay, God. I am not okay! This is your will, so you gotta help me be at peace with all of this. I’m not. Please fix this or me…I’m good with either one.

I have so many thoughts…hopes…questions…a whole lotta …”but you said..” and “you showed me, so…” *sigh*. I feel like for whatever purpose the Lord has me here (on assignment, for growth, healing, all of the above, or whatever)  I just need to hurry up, jump on board and get it over with so I can get back to my happy place wherever the heck that is! (It should be anywhere…smh). All that must sound so horrible, I know. Maybe not the best attitude either, but it’s the truth and that I believe is always okay. I feel how I feel *shrugs shoulders*.

Today a friend on facebook shared that…

“Everyday may not be a good day, but there’s good in every day.”

Praise God for that! So I’m determined to find the good in every day and rejoice in it.

This was good about my day today:

I woke up. I had a wonderful breakfast. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. I relaxed with a close friend at the marina. I was comforted by someone I use to comfort (and somehow it was sweeter for that very reason). I made a friend smile on her birthday. I saved $2 at the store (lol). Someone bought me lunch. I saw some of the harvest from seeds I had sown long ago and forgotten about – amazing!

After writing that, I feel kind of silly complaining and focusing on the bad (some of you are probably thinking…”As you should!”). Dag, I’m blessed. But when we go through situations they seem to be magnified and cloud out other things going on.

There was tons of good in today. I’m still not okay (but I trust I will be). I’m just glad that the good in tomorrow is definite.

“I will recount the steadfastness love of the Lord, the praise of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us…” – Isaiah 63:7 (ESV)

My Own Place.

For the longest I’ve wanted my own place… A place to call my own.  No roommate, just me.  My own kitchen to clean up or dirty up, to cook up everything or nothing at all and try out all of The Divine Hostess’ fabulous recipes hehe.  A place to entertain loved ones and make them feel at home away from home.  A place to blast music and dance naked (yea, I said it) and bring sexy back like no tomorrow.  Or really…just a cozy blessed environment for your achy breaky heart.  Come over for a hug, a laugh, a movie, a chat, a meal, prayer…but call first (lol).  My very own place that I earned, I paid for, and I’m proud of…even if there is nothing in it.

Until recently (last year) the Lord finally gave me revelation that wherever I go, He will make sure that I always have my own place. Yes!  I was happy.  But then I started thinking wait, what does that mean??  haha.

For the longest I’ve wanted my own place… but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think the Lord ever wants me to live alone. Ha…I think He knows I’d like it too much.  I’d get comfortable and use to things being my way and when the time came to share a space with someone else, a spouse perhaps, I might not be as successful as I’d like in compromising and changing my bachelorette mentality.  He wants me around people.  While I love people, I do love my alone time and I get quite antsy when I’m deprived of it. I’m a thinker and pray-er for goodness sake!  I like to read, write, listen, meditate and often in pure silence.  I need that sanctuary.

Any way…I still don’t have my own place and in fact, after much prayer and going back and forth with the Lord, I have surrendered to His plan for me in many different ways lately, the most recent being to move back to the West Coast with my family (not in my own place) for such a time as this.  I feel like I’m just returning to headquarters or the corporate office for a bit to recharge before my next “earth camp adventure” (as one of my spiritual mothers calls it).  Don’t ask me where, I have no idea.  But, I’m open and I’ll keep ya posted.

This is ministry. My ministry.

The hardest thing about this type of ministry or missionary work is leaving.  As soon we get comfortable and our “work is done”, the Lord moves us *tears*.  As soon as we meet people that we want to be in our lives forever *tears* He takes them or us away. It hurts so badly. It’s like jerking people apart in mid-hug.  I wasn’t ready for it this time.  I wasn’t ready for it.  It’s hard to give answers to questions that you don’t have the answers to yourself.  Then to top it off, the enemy tries to harass you with lies and guilt and make you feel bad about following God’s will and reminds you of all the people you’re hurting in choosing this way.  He knows your gifts too and jumps at the opportunity to capitalize on them.  But, whatever.  I’m choosing God’s way and my mind is made up.  Can you see the struggle though? *shrugs shoulders* That’s where I am.

In the spirit realm, when we down here don’t release someone in our hearts, when we don’t free them or support them in doing what God wants to do in their lives, a struggle can arise. The flow of The Holy Spirit is interrupted for justifiably selfish reasons and things don’t sail as smooth. We move forward with an easy pass but still have to stop and pay tolls. We move forward with a rock stuck in our skates. We move forward wearing heavy snow boots in no snow. Just help us out; release us.

I feel myself wanting to ramble, so I’m gonna be wise and wrap it up.

I just hope and pray that the Lord would at least allow my distance to not disconnect.  That the love I’ve found in all of these relationships will remain mutual, and that we can always be a positive something that looks forward to catching up, swapping stories, and seeing each other again.

So in obedience…I count down the days.

I very much believe that Father knows best so forever I will roll with and agree with His perspective.  For now, “I’m okay” awaiting to be “great”….and I still want my own place LOL. Just being honest.