Not Okay. #Transition

I’m not okay.

I’m on day 2 of my obedient move back to the west coast and I don’t want to be here. You’d think I’d be all cried out by now, but nope…not just yet ūüė• Gosh. I’m struggling big time with this and I’m in need of some serious healing (and prayer please). I’m upset, heartbroken, and my will is bruised. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love all of my family and friends here. Everyone’s very happy to see me and have me back. It’s good to see them too. I just want to visit that’s all…I don’t want to stay. Arggh…why am I here?! I just want to be left alone. I feel miserable and I don’t want company (ha). Just being honest.

This is not okay, God. I am not okay! This is your will, so you gotta help me be at peace with all of this. I’m not. Please fix this or me…I’m good with either one.

I have so many thoughts…hopes…questions…a whole lotta …”but you said..” and “you showed me, so…” *sigh*. I feel like for whatever purpose the Lord has me here (on assignment, for growth, healing, all of the above, or whatever)¬† I just need to hurry up, jump on board and get it over with so I can get back to my happy place wherever the heck that is! (It should be anywhere…smh). All that must sound so horrible, I know. Maybe not the best attitude either, but it’s the truth and that I believe is always okay. I feel how I feel *shrugs shoulders*.

Today a friend on facebook shared that…

“Everyday may not be a good day, but there’s good in every day.”

Praise God for that!¬†So I’m determined to find the good in every day and rejoice in it.

This was good about my day today:

I woke up. I had a wonderful breakfast. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. I relaxed with a close friend at the marina. I was comforted by someone I use to comfort (and somehow it was sweeter for that very reason). I made a friend smile on her birthday. I saved $2 at the store (lol). Someone bought me lunch. I saw some of the harvest from seeds I had sown long ago and forgotten about – amazing!

After writing that, I feel kind of silly complaining and focusing on the bad (some of you are probably thinking…”As you should!”). Dag, I’m blessed. But when we go through situations they seem to be magnified and cloud out other things going on.

There was tons of good in today. I’m still not okay (but I trust I will be). I’m just glad that the good in tomorrow is definite.

“I will recount the steadfastness love of the Lord, the praise of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us…” – Isaiah 63:7 (ESV)

Advertisements

#Boundaries #Liberation

Lately I’ve been annoyed. I’ve been annoyed because¬†people (mostly loved ones) have been so dang nosy and just all up in my¬†business! People wanting to know¬†Who?… What?…When?…Where?…Why?…How?¬†about this, that, and the other…ay yi yi¬†Whyyyyy?! Ugh! No more.¬†Now truthfully, it’s partly my own frickin’ fault for communicating over time with certain people about certain things in the first place.¬†A little bit of this or that out of excitement, boredom, or various counts of random rambling, but I’m buckling down now…fa real. People don’t know or understand that certain topics or things are off limits¬†if you’re not consistent and it’s not communicated. Show people how to treat you.¬†This is an ongoing learning experience for me.¬†Not trying to toot my own horn, but I’m a great teacher *toot toot*.¬†Nonetheless,¬†I can only teach that which I’ve successfully learned. I’ve learned a lot in this little lifetime, but I’ve still got a ways to go. Let’s Go!!

Maybe I’m just fed up and so just taking grown to another level, but sometimes that’s what it takes shoot.¬†Some serious changes are about to be made and I’m reallly looking forward to the results. I’m ready. It’s about time!¬†

All frustration aside, when it comes down to it, I am greatly loved and in turn, greatly cared for. They all mean well, they really do. They give advice, suggestions, opinions, insight and “I hear them”, but, it’s simply not always necessary and I forgive them for the things that they don’t even realize they’re doing, and myself for granting permission to impose. My loved ones want to know that I’m okay and often fear that I may not be. I can’t submit unto their fears and live for them and God at the same time. I can’t and I won’t. I think this is part of the reason I’m going back West. Just part. The Lord’s a multi-tasker like no other ya know. I don’t have all the answers and when I do, I don’t need to share them unless of course I want to or feel led to. So that’s why the mold is breaking. That’s why the umbilical cord is being cut. This is Liberation. (cue the music haha)

You will know what I want you to know.¬†The more I learn and know about me, the more I can teach you and I’m happy to do it.

My friend shared one day…

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than you. –¬† Dr. Seuss

I love it and I believe it. It’s time for the new¬†Nu to get even¬†more true y’all!¬†It’s time¬†to set some new boundaries and really give myself a chance at an even greater future. *sings* “Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Oooooh…I got a new attitude!” haha.

Wish me luck and def keep me in your prayers as I do what I do in the most loving way possible. Love you & have a great weekend!

Half-Baked #Growth #Maturity #Relationships

I’m always talking about how our relationships can be better. How the Lord desires to prosper them and how we should desire the same as He. But, you know what?

To whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48)… and to be quite honest, too many people walk around wanting much and not wanting to give what’s frickin’ required let alone anything. They want to have the cake and eat it too. They want all the good and it maybe it shouldn’t annoy me, but I love them and it does. I want better for people just like I want better for me. They glide through life with an air or¬†sense of entitlement about them. When in all actuality, this life has never been solely about us. We wouldn’t need anyone if that was so. They appear to be fully baked but their gooey in the middle simply ’cause their butts didn’t wanna stay in the oven as long as the other cookies. It makes me wanna climb at the top of the mountain and yell “Just stay in the frickin oven, dag!”. But one thing is for sure is that you can’t make anyone be passionate about something that you are. Your passion is your passion. My passion is growth…overcoming…being better. I try not to get upset, but dag, I know the benefit of it and I want people to have that. I want people to want that, so they can strive for that, and have that. That’s what I want. I want us to celebrate our victories together. Yay!! I want to save the world, maybe even from themselves.

Now, I know people get by and we have free will and sometimes make whack choices. We develop friendships and romantic relationships with people who truthfully we don’t deserve or don’t deserve us. It is what it is. For whatever reason, God allows it and really His grace is just so darn sufficient that we get a lot of breaks. Do something with them though! Seriously, I feel like crying right now because there’s so many of you out there who have blessings in store for you that you will never obtain because of your unwillingness to truly submit unto God like you’ve never have before. To truly lay down what you want for what He wants. To truly say okay, you’re the boss, I’ll be still…let’s get uncomfortable and let’s face it.

“If you want a butterfly you’ve got to be a butterfly” – India.Arie

Now I’m not perfect, but I don’t consider myself half-baked. However, if you’ve consulted with God and He considers me half-baked, He’s right lol. One thing that I can attest is that I am determined to be fully baked and so I am in Jesus’ name. Being better than yesterday is not an option. Since I’m not a fan of a half-baked me, I certainly don’t want to be in any kind of half-baked relationships…at least not forever. They can only have potential for so long before you realize it ain’t happenin’!

I’m in tears. Bittersweet tears. I’ve always heard and received that “it takes two”, but recently I’ve reached the sad realization of that statement. It doesn’t matter how hard¬†we try or how long we bake, the success of any type of relationship is an unrealistic expectation when the focus is only on the growth of one individual. Success is much, and to whom much is given, much is required. You’ve heard it before…actions speak louder than words. We can’t do it alone. It will forever take two and I am only one.

So however your relationships are — surfaced, deep and lasting, decide where you want it to go…accept the truth regarding where it is and where it’s heading, and do what you gotta do.

My pastor back home said something like…the things our spirit wants to do in that lead to breakthrough will never agree with our flesh. That’s the type of season we’re in guys. Make wise choices. I’m praying for you.

So even after allllll of that gumbo, I say…we shall still remain hopeful in all things because God is a miracle worker and an exception to the “It takes two” statement. He can do what He wants, and sometimes even the slightest of decisions that we make can change our destiny.¬† Be hopeful. Accept the truth. Keep growing. Move forward and realize that sometimes, sometimes people are just in our lives for seasons. Or, sometimes they’re just half-baked and are never gonna stay in that daggon oven!

My Own Place.

For the longest I’ve wanted my own place… A place to call my own.¬† No roommate, just me.¬† My own kitchen to¬†clean up or dirty up, to cook up¬†everything or nothing at all and try out all of The Divine Hostess’ fabulous recipes hehe.¬† A place to entertain loved ones and make them feel at home away from home.¬† A place to¬†blast music and dance naked (yea, I said it) and bring sexy back like no tomorrow.¬† Or really…just a cozy blessed environment for¬†your achy breaky heart.¬† Come over for a hug, a laugh, a movie, a chat, a meal, prayer…but call first (lol).¬† My very own place that I earned, I paid for, and I’m proud of…even if there is¬†nothing in it.

Until recently (last year) the Lord finally gave me revelation that wherever I go, He will make sure that I always have my own place. Yes!  I was happy.  But then I started thinking wait, what does that mean??  haha.

For the longest I’ve wanted my own place… but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think the Lord ever wants me to live alone. Ha…I think He knows I’d like it too much.¬† I’d get comfortable and use to things being my way and when the time came to share a space with someone else, a spouse perhaps, I might not be¬†as successful as I’d like in compromising and changing my bachelorette mentality.¬† He wants me around people.¬† While I love people, I do¬†love my alone time and I get quite antsy when I’m deprived of it. I’m a thinker and pray-er for goodness sake!¬† I like to read, write, listen, meditate¬†and often in pure silence.¬† I need that sanctuary.

Any way…I still don’t have my own place and in fact, after¬†much prayer and going back and forth with the Lord, I have surrendered to His plan for me in many different ways lately, the most recent being¬†to move back to the West Coast with my family (not in my own place) for such a time as this.¬† I feel like I’m just returning to headquarters or the corporate office for a bit to recharge before my next “earth camp adventure” (as one of my spiritual mothers calls it).¬† Don’t ask me where, I have no idea.¬† But, I’m open and I’ll keep ya posted.

This is ministry. My ministry.

The hardest thing about this type of ministry or missionary work is leaving.¬† As soon we get comfortable and our “work is done”, the Lord moves us *tears*.¬† As soon as we meet people that we want to be in our lives forever *tears* He takes them or us away. It hurts so badly. It’s like jerking people apart in mid-hug.¬† I wasn’t ready for it this time.¬† I wasn’t ready for it.¬† It’s hard to give answers to questions that you don’t have the answers to yourself.¬† Then to top it off, the enemy tries to harass you with lies and guilt and make you feel bad about following God’s will and reminds you of all the people you’re hurting in choosing this way.¬† He knows your gifts too and jumps at the opportunity to capitalize on them.¬† But, whatever.¬† I’m¬†choosing God’s way¬†and my mind is made up.¬† Can you see the struggle though? *shrugs shoulders* That’s where I am.

In the spirit realm, when we down here don’t release someone in our hearts, when we don’t free them or support them in doing what God wants to do in their lives, a struggle can arise. The flow of The Holy Spirit is interrupted for justifiably selfish reasons and things don’t sail as smooth. We move forward with an easy pass but still have to stop and pay tolls. We move forward with a rock stuck in our skates. We move forward wearing heavy snow boots in no snow. Just help us out; release us.

I feel myself wanting to ramble, so I’m gonna be wise and wrap it up.

I just hope and pray that the Lord would at least allow my distance to not disconnect.¬† That the love I’ve found in all of these relationships will¬†remain mutual, and that we can always be a positive something that looks forward to catching up, swapping stories, and seeing each other again.

So in obedience…I count down the days.

I very much believe¬†that¬†Father knows best so forever I will roll with and agree with His perspective.¬† For now, “I’m okay” awaiting to be “great”….and I still want my own place LOL. Just being honest.

> In the Middle < #Relationships

Have you ever been seemingly stuck in the middle of something? Something that probably doesn’t even have to do with you? Something which possibly affects you, but your name is not on but somebody (consciously or unconsciously) pencils you in as a volunteer? Yea, believe me, it can whomp.

Once upon a time, in elementary school, I was a conflict manager on the playground. I must have been in like 5th grade. I had a fancy vest, clipboard and all. Got a conflict? I was your gal! Resolving petty issues which seemed large at the time. When the bell rang and everyone had to freeze, who didn’t? That’s right, me! Why? cuz I was the Conflict Manager lol. So funny…I walked just because I could. While I wouldn’t call myself a conflict manager today, I would say that I definitely still possess those qualities that would make me a good one and are beneficial to my relationships.

“As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” – Proverbs 27:17

True, but never should us partaking in sharpening iron and the countenance of our friends be detrimental to ourselves and jack up our own countenance. I doubt that was God’s intention. It shouldn’t be an inappropriate exchange when our motives are right. I think He’d desire for both of our countenances to be dazzling (lol, dazzling). That’s just my thought.

The enemy is constantly trying to pervert the word of God and all ways of doing right. So many times we’re unconsciously erred in our ways for various of reasons. This is why I love the beginning of Hosea 4:6 (My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge). We hurt ourselves and each other simply because we do not know, or share for that matter. We’re not called to be hoarders.

Back in the day I had an acquaintance who’d call and vent – that’s fine, us friends need to do that sometimes (I know I do!). But in all actuality, that was the only time we’d talk, and she’d dump a load of problems (unintentionally). I’d receive it and feel like crap (unintentionally) and she’d feel great and skip on her merry little way. Do you see where I was inappropriate? The bible says,¬†‚ÄúYou shall have no other gods before Me. -Exodus 20:3

He’s God, I am not. It is never our position to fulfill His role and “get in the way”. I had to learn how to give her problems to Him and show her as I showed myself that He’s the source and I can’t save the day. I begin praying for myself and asking God what he wants me to hear and say in this conversation. Asking him to prepare me before the conversation, and truly surrendering it all. If the Lord wants me to be an awesome iron, by golly I’m gonna seek Him and ask Him to show me how to be the best darn iron that I can be…and I encourage you to do the same.

Have a wonderful weekend lovers – remember our Savior!

Today! #WhitneyHouston #RIP

I just got done shouting and praising the Lord after sitting here and watching the funeral of Whitney Houston. Shouts and tears of joy. Joy? yes.

The Winans just sung “Tomorrow” and it moved me so much..

I thought about all of the souls in that church and all the souls in America glued to the television today. All of the souls mourning, grieving, hurting, celebrating, and thus prepared to receive The Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior, or at least receive a seed in the form of words; a message, just for them. Just for you. I’m reminded of this scripture…

Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof; and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. – Ecclesiastes 7:8

As many mourn, as we mourn, I’m grateful that her end is better than her beginning. That the latter IS greater (Haggai 2:9). That despite the tons of speculation, views and opinions regarding Whitney’s death. Ha, people tryna tell other people how they should be feeling about it. Sympathetic? Apathetic? Whatever. I am grateful that she was a child of God who went through life. Now, the heavens rejoice, and I rejoice along with them because I know, that I know, that I know (did I say I know??) that her life has impacted many…that souls have been touched, if not but only today. Today is what matters.

Better is one day in Your courts, Lord, than thousands elsewhere. My sister, Whitney Houston is in the waiting room of the King’s courts. I’m sorry that your children argue and bicker about how she got there. Ha, It matters none to me, and I pray that in due time it will matter none to them. May we be a people concerned about today and the heart of the matters of today so that tomorrow will be all you intended it to be. So that we don’t miss “it”, whatever our “it” is (we all have our own). May we not only love, but express that love genuinely and freely, today.

If you’re arguing, shut up and love. If you don’t have anything nice to say, I dare you to say something nice anyway. If you’ve been putting Jesus off until tomorrow…today is the day you should stop.

That’s all I have to say. Let the church say, Amen…today!